Retaliation
In the corporate world, retaliation is a serious offense. But is it so in the real world? Could retaliation be just another inescapable facet of life?
I’m back in school now, studying, trying to make good on myself. But I keep finding things that are trying to hold me back. For around five years, I was out of school, considering myself unable to pay my student loans off. They totaled under eight hundred dollars. I apparently wanted an excuse to go after my own interests, at the expense of my potentially more holistic self.
Was I retaliating against myself for making a mistake the first time around? Or, perhaps, was I so self-conscious of my performance in school that I said I could never do better? Perhaps a lack in confidence is a foundation for retaliation?
With things more set right to how I want them, in my personal affairs, financial situation, legal situations, and otherwise, I was ready to get back into school. However, I found yet another hindrance to my progress — not just in school, but in life, and livelihood. An aggressor.
In my psychology studies, I have discovered many interesting and applicable lessons. My initial thoughts are to apply the ideas behind aggression to my aggressor, in order to further understand his actions. But, now, I look a bit deeper.
Genetics, conditioning, and poor family relations can all lead a person to become aggressive both physically and emotionally. It made sense before, it makes even more sense now. What really opened my eyes, though, was Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development, primarily stages four through six: industry versus inferiority, identity versus role confusion, and intimacy versus isolation.
A stage four individual unable to find a sense of competency (likely, I would say, due to lack of competence) develops an inferiority complex. A stage five individual unable to discover their role in life becomes confused on what they should be doing, and likely settles on whatever makes the most sense. Lastly, a stage six individual tries to balance meaningful intimacy with innate isolation.
Around my age, any one of these can still be an issue. My aggressor, clearly incompetent, has found a role for himself that makes sense — though it’s a dead-end job, he is able to consider his role in life and work on his intimacy issues. Of course, his role in life will always be the same, due to incompetency, and his sources of intimacy are vile and disorderly.
Conditioning has made him an awful person. He has failed to find an appropriate and adequate place for himself in life. He has become despicable, and uses his skewed vision of happiness and its catalysts to oppress, however inadvertently it may or may not be.
I consider myself lucky. I’ve found my industry — I know what I am good at, and I know where those skills will take me (and, importantly, where they will not.) I’ve found my identity, broad though the definition may be, and I try to keep a simple approach to where I want to go within my role, though that particular progress is still underway. I’ve definitely found intimacy, too, and in a manner which feels permanent enough.
It is clear to me that my aggressor has the wrong idea on my life; the very fact that he considers it, as well as the fact that I need to vent about it, is disgusting to me. He is the awful person that he is, and I find only him to blame for that. But, as I am wont to do, I have learned from his aggression a deeper understanding of my own situation.
Have I been aggressive towards myself? Is it possible, in times where I was most capable of making progress, that I felt I was unworthy, and retaliated against the side of me that believed I could be more? I’ve made plenty of easy money, I’ve put myself into (extremely unhealthy yet very) comfortable positions in life, yet I took no action that would be visible to anyone on the outside of my own skull. My actions were internal, my aggression internal and physically damaging, and the greatest negative impact was not on my c320 pound frame, it was on my progress in life.
The cost of retaliation can be tremendous. I’ve already lost out on three weeks’ wages because I wanted to bring my situation to light, and the powers at hand have apparently voted against righteousness, taking the side of aggression and favoritism. The sensation is one that whatever actions I may take, be it for the benefit of myself or for others, they will be personally damaging. No longer do I entertain the idea that I want to hinder myself; it seems to be the nature of my existence. Perhaps, though, in such a case, I will consider myself lucky. Lucky that my actions, regardless of my intentions, don’t hurt other people. And that is something my aggressors will never be able to say.
Still
The real K-Tuck experience (the experience I live daily) has been shifting. Spawn Kill has a smaller crew now, but we’re operating at the same if not higher efficiency. I got a new job, a corporate-focused retail affair, and I am happy to not be serving ignorant assholes tasteless, overpriced food.
Aside from quitting my last job, I also quit smoking, and almost totally quit drinking soda (sometimes I just need an energy drink). I believe that these changes have made for a pretty drastic improvement.
I’ve had a lot less time to do a lot of things that I want to do, but it has made the few things I do accomplish all the more satisfying.
In general, though, the Experience is populated by roughly the same content. Now with more work, I can afford to buy more games, and do more exciting things with what time I have. I’m still KT, rocking cargos and sneaks. Still not loving police. Still reppin’ SW three-eight SP.
Sensations
There are but a handful of things towards which I feel I have a natural (and at the same time unnatural) inclination. The majority of these are sensations which are random earthly happenstance, fleeting pleasantries that are the fodder of small talk.
